Posted 10:47 PM by ill
Been awhile hasn't it. I think I spent so much time being angry I forgot how to vent it via humor. I've missed both of you and I suppose, in some sick way, perhaps you missed me. My problem has been my life, not unlike the links and missing images, has been broken.


I caved.


I just kind of gave in. I've been spending so much time being pissed at the world I just kind of let it happen. So be it. Not my problem.


It is my problem though. Actually, it's all our problem.


This world is really screwy. Think I'm lying? Talk to Africa or Gaza or Syria or Iraq or for that matter just the fourth district of Tennessee. To paraphrase Firesign Theater, I think we're all bozos on this bus.


But I honestly will try to be back. I will try to post regularly for both of you. I will try to turn the light on the stuff I just don't get in the hopes that perhaps it's not just me. It's me though isn't it.


It probably is.

Posted 10:12 PM by ill
I believe it's time I returned.

Posted 7:50 AM by ill
So, waitaminit... you mean I am responsible for monitoring what my children do?!??!!?

Porn.

The name just sounds dirty doesn't it? Say it with me, porn.

Ewwwww... we're dirty.

A lot of people feel that way. The whole concept is considered a blight on human kind and is single handedly responsible for the moral decay and corruption of children in our society. The government should do something. The government should stop access to it on the internet and make the world a better place to raise my children in. The government should tell me what me and my children should look at because well, I just don't have the time to raise them myself. I'm a busy person. Doing busy things with other busy people and quite frankly there just aren't enough hours in the day to raise my child. So you are going to have to do it for me even if it means stepping on the rights of other people. I come first because I have children I can't be bothered to sit down with and have an uncomfortable conversation. Do it for me won't you?

Then, suddenly the government won't act.

What's that you say? Blocking porn violates free speech and in turn goes against the constitution? Well how is that fair? Did I mention I have children and I don't have the time or the inclination to raise them? I did? Oh well then you see why you have to do it for me don't you? Still no eh? Now what am I going to do?

Ok, ok, let me get this straight. There is software out there that blocks my children from looking at porn? But I have to install it and then set it up and then I have to determine what they can and can't look at... Which part of I don't have time for that did you not understand? I told you I'm a busy person. If I wasn't such a busy person, don't you think I would actually be spending quality time with my children instead being horrified that you won't do it for me?

So if you guys would please reconsider I would greatly appreciate it. To help I've made a list of what I consider pornographic and I am looking for you to stop it if you would.

1) Anything that shows any male or female genitalia. This would include sites that are "porn" in the classic sense but also any sites that may contain any information regarding AIDS, STD's, or the proper use of birth control. For goodness sakes why does my 15 year old need to know about that stuff!?!?!?

2) Anything that deals with text or writings that describe physical acts of love. This will include sites that have pornographic stories on them. Examples would be, Literotica, Project Gutenberg, and the Complete William Shakespeare Online.

3) As long as we are discussing subversive counterculture issues, please block any sites dealing with gay and lesbian user groups or information. My son is not "gay" he is just confused because he was allowed to ask questions at these sites and they filled his head with awful "gay" thoughts. I think if perhaps you could point him in the direction of the "right kind of girl" as well we would greatly appreciate it.

4) I noticed some sites devoted to biology and human anatomy. This has to stop. The last thing I need my children doing is getting online and seeing detailed drawings of the human reproductive organs and how they operate. This is just sick.

Now if you would just be so kind to block any of that information from children it would be greatly appreciated.

Although I am bothered by your stance so far on the porn issue please don't think I am just here to throw stones. I do want to offer some praise to those folks out at The Truth. Their constant badgering of smokers and the fear tactics they utilize are wonderful. I had absolutely NO idea smoking was so bad for me. Please make sure that my children have complete access to their website. I feel they need to see a group of teenagers dumping body bags into the lobby of major tobacco producer’s office buildings. It's important that their rights and free speech are protected.

Posted 2:42 PM by ill
I now know why justice is blind

Every now and then I come across something, or someone sends something to me that leaves even me almost speechless. Take this for instance. Go ahead, give it a read. I'll be here when you have finished.

Done?

Good, let's get started shall we? I'm not going to mince words here. I truly do not understand at what point in this judge's career that he thought this to himself and said "Hey now there's an idea. If I bring my penis pump and razor to work I can shave off (no pun intended) at least thirty minutes on my morning commute to work!"

Ok, we may never know the answer to that one. But here is one part that really gets me... How did he pleasure himself in front of all these people? I mean doesn't he make any noise? Doesn't he at least make a face? For goodness sakes doesn't he at least have a small spasm at the moment of... well... you know? How can you hide this sort of thing? Where did the "stuff" go? Was he using a hanky or just leaving it there for the cleaning crew... (ewwwww)

And this shaving business. I can only assume this had to have been a dry shave. No shaving cream or anything. I don't know about anybody else but I'm not dry shaving my nether regions. You know the kind of razor burn that could cause? Do you have any idea of the chafing????

The penis pump thing just kills me... I was going to go on and on about it but I think this quote does more than I could ever say:

Visitors to Thompson's Creek County courtroom reported hearing a "swooshing" sound coming from the bench, a noise the court reporter said "sounded like a blood pressure cuff being pumped up."

All rise, (swoosh) (swoosh) (swoosh) court is now(swoosh) (swoosh) (swoosh) in session. (swoosh)(swoosh)

Posted 9:24 AM by ill
Before I start this rant I would like to offer you the entire article of said rant.

Billboards urging men not to have sex with minors

Associated Press
Jun. 14, 2004 11:00 AM


RICHMOND, Va. - The state is posting billboards with messages such as "Isn't she a little young?" as part of a campaign to dissuade men from having sex with underage girls.

The campaign is aimed at reducing the number of young girls who have children with older men, the Virginia Department of Health said Monday.

In 1999 and 2000 in Virginia, men over 18 were responsible for 219 births involving girls who were 13 and 14, the department said.

Messages such as "Isn't she a little young?" and "Sex with a minor, don't go there" also appear on posters, coasters and napkins in bars, restaurants and stores in five cities.

"We encourage adult men to talk to their peers and discourage them from pursuing teenagers. What they are doing is unhealthy and against the law," said Robert Franklin, a health department official.


Did everyone read it? Good. You know, I was going to go on a rant here. About things like... We live in a world where we have to do an ad campaign to stop people from having sex with minors?!??!? But instead I will just let the slogans speak for themselves:

"Isn't she a little young?"

"Sex with a minor, don't go there."

No screw it... I can't let this pass. I gotta say something. Let me see if I got this. You are sitting around at your favorite beer joint talking with a friend.

Guy: "So yeah man, I met this chick and she's so into me. I'm gonna go by and pick her up from school tomorrow."

Friend: "School? Wadayamean?"

Guy: "Yeah. School."

Friend: "Um, how old is she exactly?"

Guy: "I dunno, 13 maybe 14."

Friend (thinking to himself): "This is wrong. How do I tell my friend that he shouldn't do this? What do I say? Waitaminit, what's that? Under my beer there. What does that coaster say? Oh perfect."

Guy: "Why do you think that's a problem?"

Friend (now filled with confidence): "Dude, Sex with a minor, don't go there."

Guy: (appears contemplative): "Man, I think you're right. Wow... I coulda made the worst mistake of my life. You really are a friend. Wadayasay we go get some crack and hookers and head back to my place."

Posted 2:14 PM by ill
Fighting God's war...

Can you hear it? There off in the distance... the howl of the beast infecting our schools and polluting the minds of our children. Shhh... just listen. The evil is there. Sure it seems faint the devil may speak softly... but he carries a big stick fulla sin and he can't wait to get to your kids through the demonic and hell spawned system that is... your public schools.

T. C. Pinckney knows all about it. And he is making a plea to good God fearing Southern Baptists everywhere... He "and attorney Bruce Shortt of Houston, Texas, have submitted a proposal encouraging Baptist parents to pull their children out of public schools.

The two advocate home schooling and Christian academies.

'We must teach and train our children how to work as a unit, to know what tactics to use,' Pinckney said. 'They must be prepared to go into spiritual battle. Government schools cannot train them to storm the gates of Hell.'"

Wow... "spiritual battle" eh? Storm the "Gates of Hell" you say? Sounds like somthin is a' brewin and it's time to pick sides! What does T.C. (isn't he that guy that flew the helicopter in Magnum PI?) know that the rest of us don't? Is the sky a' fallin? Is the earth a' dyin? DEAR GOD PEOPLE CAN'T YOU HEAR THE TRUMPETS SIGNALING THE FINAL COMING?!?!?!? REVELATIONS HERE PEOPLE!!!! REV-A-FRIGGIN-LA-TIONS!!!!

Ok... Ok... All kidding aside. Isn't this just a little scary? Am I the only one bothered by the fact that some nutcase is actually appealing to the Southern Baptist committee to boycott public schooling? Hey I'm all for your right to keep your children out of public school and "home school" em right next to the stockpile of arms and bibles. You do what you feel you need to do. But to start appealing to the convention... and to top it all off to be given a voice to hold that appeal by said convention. Well, it makes me shudder a bit. Shudder in the same way I did as I watched the Branch Davidians go up in flames. Maybe it's just me...

In other news... It seems "one nation under God" will stay in the pledge of allegiance. I'm bothered by this on many fronts. First off because it's there (and wasn't originally). And let's be honest here folks the only reason it was put there was so we could show ourselves as better folks than those godless commie bastards! Better Dead than RED people.

I'm also pissed, and here is where my conflict happens, that my tax dollars were wasted on a needless court case. There are so many things that could have been better spent than whether or not "God" should remain in the Pledge of Allegiance. Hey I'm as atheist as the next nutjob but I also know how to pick my battles. You want to leave God in the Pledge. Fine. I won't fight you. You want to take my child to a revival and hand her a bible? Well then... we gonna have issues!

So what does all this mean?

I dunno...

Maybe everything.

Maybe nothing.

I guess I should just do what I’m told…….

Posted 10:25 AM by ill
And so it begins...

Today is the day... Diagnosis day if you will. Today they tell me just how screwed up I am and what we can do about it. I'm talking about my MS not the mental condition here. Today I get to findout if I will suffer anywhere from one shot a week up to five a day... it just all depends I guess. Of course I don't know what is in store and speculation certainly isn't going to do me any good. After all I'm not a doctor... I just play one on the internet. So... this is not my typical rant or rave or witty post. Just a quick heads up I guess. I'll fill everyone in on the prognosis when I know more...

ill (ironic dontcha think... that I chose illbill all those years ago...oh IRONY sweet sweet I-RON-EEEE!)

Posted 9:10 AM by ill
Of Harry Potter, Shrek, and sheep...

You know what I hate? Harry Potter. There I said it. It seems I may be the only one willing to say it actually. I'm not sure if people are scared to say that this piece of pop culture trash stinks for fear of being ostracized for not following the masses or what. But the simple fact of the matter is this is not quality work. Not by a long shot. Sure, sure, sure. The nay Sayers will say things like "But Harry Potter got kids reading!!!"

Well woopty freakin do.

You know what else can get kids reading? Books. Books and taking the time to get your children to enjoy reading instead of plopping them in front of the TV "babysitter" so they can watch the latest Disney DVD or play the latest Playstation game.

Why this animosity towards Harry, ill? Have you even read the books?

I'd like to address these questions.

Other than the fact that Harry Potter was pretty well a blatant rip-off of Neil Gaiman's Books of Magic (which I won't get into here as the topic has been beaten to death), the books are just plain poorly written. My wife will be horrified by the following confession but here goes.

When the Harry Hub-bub kicked into gear a few years ago I borrowed the first book from a co-worker to give it a read. I was ashamed to take it home as I knew the Mrs. would chide me to no end for giving it a read so I kept in my desk at work and read it during lunch breaks... Well that's not entirely true, I tried to read it during lunch breaks... I just couldn't get through it. It was horrible and coming from a guy who reads comic books that's saying a lot. I couldn't make it through it. It was just so.. so... bad. Poorly written, one-dimensional characters, serious lack of a plot beyond a simple "mystery" genre and most of all... boring. So why, I asked myself, were all these people flocking to it as if it was the second coming of the Messiah? What was I missing? Why didn't I get it? Then it occurred to me... This is the same society that made a best seller out of John Grisham and Anne Rice. People don't want literature. They want easy to digest surface level drivel. If a few jump on the bandwagon then the rest can be herded in like sheep. Even if they hate what they read they will never admit it. Nobody wants to be kicked out of the "Hogwarts Appreciation Society."

After the first movie came out and was a smashing success, I began to think "Ok, it is a children’s book. Maybe I should try to give it a read through the eyes of a child... say 10-12 years of age. I can do that. Heck most of the people that no me will tell you I think that way anyway.

So I sat down to give it another try and you know what? It's still crap. I would have been insulted had my parents gave me this as a present.

What happened to literature? What happened to books that inspired and led children down the wondrous path of true imagination? Where is the Chronicles of Narnia? Where is Treasure Island? For goodness sakes people WHERE IS FREAKIN' 20,000 LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA!?!?!?! Put one of those up to Harry Potter... tell me if you think people will be reading this crap in a hundred years. Better yet, I'll go ahead and answer that for ya. No. They won't. Art it ain't. Fine literature it ain't. Marketed well? Well now, that's a different story....

Speaking of marketing well... Have you seen Shrek 2 is out? I bet you have. As a matter of fact you can't swing a cat without hitting a Shrek 2 marketing tie in. Not only can you clean up with Shrek 2 bath and body liquid soap, but you can buy him on all your favorite food stuffs. Check out this little gem:

DreamWorks unveiled its promotional and licensing program for "Shrek 2" -- the studio's biggest merchandising campaign ever -- with Burger King, Pepsi, General Mills, Baskin-Robbins, Dial Corp., Masterfoods' M&M's, Hewlett-Packard, Hasbro, Activision and the U.S. Postal Service among its biggest partners.

The US FREAKIN POST OFFICE!!!! They can't even get mail here on time but by GOD we can have cute little tie-ins with imaginary animated creatures. Hey how about we quit paying for licenses and maybe HIRE A FEW MORE FREAKIN PEOPLE TO WORK THE COUNTER WHEN WE NEED STAMPS ON OUR LUNCH BREAKS!!!

I just don't get it... I just don't get it at all really. I'm bothered by the fact we follow so blindly after this junk and then sit around wondering why the next generation of Americans are getting dumber and dumber by the minute.

Well in the words of Maynard James Keenan...
"Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,
what you need is someone strong to guide you..."

Posted 10:33 AM by ill
A very different kind of post...

"Hum, nice state of affairs when a man has to indulge his vices by proxy. You're looking, sir, at a very dull survival of a very gaudy life..."
General Sternwood - The Big Sleep

I'm angry. Tired and angry and sad and depressed and feeling like the butt of some cruel cosmic joke. Two weeks ago or so I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Sure they say it is treatable and sure I probably will have only a few major flare ups in my lifetime... as long as I change how I live. "Lifestyle change" they call it. Doctor speak for quit fucking around with your health. It's interesting really. How you seem to have this idea of yourself as this invulnerable person. Nothing can stop you and nothing will bring you down. Than whamo! Reality slaps you in the face and brings you down to the real world and the fact that you just aren't that important in the grand scheme of things. I use to take comfort in that. Knowing that I meant absolutely nothing and my existence was nothing more than a chance encounter when sperm met egg. I could look at the cosmos and delight in just how incredibly small I am. I truly thought I believed it comforting. I truly thought it made me feel better about the world and what went on. I felt as if I was in on some kind of knowledge that nobody but me and a few folks understood and if everyone else could "get it" the world would be a better place. I'm such a fool. I see my arrogance now. I see the folly of my ways. I wasn't diminishing my existence with these thoughts, I was validating them. Proving to the world that I truly was the "wisest of all" for I got the fact that I knew nothing. It wasn't divine. It was petty and self serving. It allowed me to live my life the way I felt I should because I truly have no belief in consequences of my actions. I could reduce my thoughts and feelings down to the raw black and white facts.

Now though, when you are truly faced with something that drives the point home that you are that small it doesn't seem so freeing. No it seems more upsetting. I am small. Small and unimportant to a world that would no sooner morn my passing than the death of cockroach. I have made no mark. I have left no legacy. I have achieved no greatness. I'm merely just a small man with a narrow focus who will spend his remaining years watching as his body begins to betray him. Piece by piece it will fall away until I am but a shell of my former self. I joke and I kid and try to put on the face that says "it is what it is" but the simple fact of the matter is I'm terrified. Maybe not rational but still how I feel. Watching my father deteriorate from cancer alone and scared didn't help. It all comes back to me and I wonder what he must have thought. I wonder if I think some of the same things he did. I wonder...

Despite my talk I am still that scared little kid crying in the corner. Stupid scared and more self absorbed than ever...

Posted 12:34 PM by ill
A good story... told well.

When I first read those words from Robert McKee's book, "Story." I had no idea the impact they would have on me. Actually the impact of those words came after I was reviewed on The Weblog Review. All in all I felt it was a very nice review even if he only gave me two out of five stars (thanks charlie lol). I read the review, re-read the review and just to make sure I kept myself in line with my manic self, re-re-read it. That was when it hit me. "A good story... told well."

I think for the most part that is what I've always tried to do here. Give a little something more than the stream of blogs and journals out there that either keep everything on the surface or pack their posts to links of the various news sites or whatever funny email/website is rocketing its way across cyberspace. I've always wanted to provide a little something different to anyone who stumbled upon my brain on the web and maybe get them to leave with a little different outlook on whatever topic unnerved me or humored me that day/week/month. I always wanted the writing to stand on its own. Not because it is especially well written but because it told you more about me and who I am than any paragraph in an "about me" section ever could. illofbill was meant to be looked at as the sum of its parts and in turn anyone that has read this from beginning to end, or most of it anyway, has a pretty good idea of just what I'm all about.

Frequency of my posts came under scrutiny in the review and I will be the first to admit that he's right, I don't post often. You won't see daily posts, you may not even see weekly posts. My main reason for this is that I don't want to fill content just for the sake of content. I've never been one to clutter my site with links or quick hits about the next "new new thing." I wanted to offer insight into what's in my head and hopefully enjoyable writing. To be honest, to do that, you just can't crank them out every day. I only wanted to put content out there that you weren't going to see if you decided to search blogs. I only write if I'm moved to do so.

So what does this have to do with "A good story... told well" you ask? Well i think that is what I've always tried to do here. I realize in many ways it's not the "popular" way but it is my way. Henry Miller once said "We do not talk -- we bludgeon one another with facts and theories gleaned from cursory readings of newspapers, magazines and digests." and to me that is proven every day in the online community. Our society has become so that we need instant gratification. We are jaded. So much so that we flock to our TVs to watch people undergo painful cosmetic surgery in order to fit the mold of dictated beauty. We squirm with delight as people choke down handfuls of worms or pig entrails. We point our fingers accusingly at the ones who stab teammates in the back as they try to "survive" the wilderness. We no longer look for that good story... and it no longer has to be well told. We want it now. We want it fast. We want it with little to no substance so we can be hungry again for the next plateful of crap.

Now I realize this post has taken a real turn to the kind of self promotion I claim to abhor. It really isn't my intention and I am in no way trying to be the Diogenes of the internet using this page as my lantern of truth looking for the one honest person. I merely want to write. On my terms and my time. I merely want to get the thoughts out there and maybe have someone read it and say, "Y'know that made me laugh" or "Man is that guy some kind of whack-job!" or even "Wow does this guy suck!" I just want to stir emotion, not necessarily in the people reading it, but in the person who writes it.

Posted 1:42 PM by ill
Oh where have you been illy boy illy boy?

Well... I guess the best answer for that would be, Famous. I developed some software a year or so ago called DEN and we've been all over the press lately. The New York Times, Wired, The Guardian in London... Everywhere. But I know I know that is no excuse. I have neglected both of my loyal readers. Forsook you both for fleeting fame and fortune and for that I feel really bad.... well, actually... No I don't. You see my constant quest for fame and the fortune that comes with it is really an all-consuming goal. One that means everyone gets left behind as I claw my up to the top of my fifteen-minute mountain.

But here is the problem. Now that my fame has begun, how do I maintain it? What can I do to make sure I'm at the top of the party A-list? I've considered several options. The first was that perhaps I needed a sex tape scandal. Something grainy and green shot in a seedy hotel. Leak it to the internet than feign shock and horror at it getting out. I had it all worked out. I knew exactly how to plan it and what I needed to do to make sure everyone got it. There were just one or two flaws. The first problem was the midget wouldn't sign the release form. The second was that the video added ten pounds everywhere but where it counted. So I decided that had been done to death anyway and moved on to option two. Find me an older woman celebrity.

But where? I'm too old to date Demi Moore and Angela Landsbury won't return my calls. I thought about Estelle Getty but from everything I've heard she is pretty high maintenance. So that option was ruled out.

I did consider getting loaded and driving my car through a sidewalk full of pedestrians but I don’t think my current fame is at the level where I can get away with it.

So what do I do? I've worked awfully hard at getting to this level of fame. I can't blow it now. So I figured I would offer the question to my loyal fans. If you were me, how would you continue this Fame Train? Please feel free to send all ideas to TheRealIllbill@yahoo.com. The one who comes up with the best idea will receive signed picture of me and a box of Rice-A-Roni The San Francisco treat!

Posted 7:43 PM by ill
Personal Freedom, Politics and Basic Human Rights...

There is a lot of civil unrest recently. Especially in the "disillusioned younger generation." We've got debates springing up over gay marriage, religion, and Howard Stern. Talk is thrown around of fascist regimes and dictatorships taking shape in America and how we are having our rights stripped away piece by piece. In many ways I can see the fear people have over some of these. In some ways I think there may even be some need for concern, however, (and you knew there was going to be one) as we all stand around blaming our government for all the things we see as wrong we still seem to miss the point that we are still a "Government of the People. For the People. By the People." The majority rules folks and right now the majority ruled in favor of many of these things. Fear motivated some of it and ignorance motivated some of it. But above all that, we still put them in power. Sure you can say Bush "stole" the election but at this point that is neither here nor there. The knee jerk reaction to our rights diminishing is wrong and counter-productive. It's like putting a band-aid on a gun shot. Sure we can stop some of the blood but the wound is still there and nobody seems keen on trying to find out who pulled the trigger. You know why? Because we did. We got so caught up in all this prosperity and freedom that nobody stopped for a minute to ask what the cost would be.

In many ways I pity us. We are like children. We want to run our lives but when we are left to do so we screw up and look for the government to bail us out. Then when they start invading our personal lives we want them to back off and leave us alone. We're like a rebellious teenager. Screaming "I hate you" to our parents until we move out on our own run out of money and have to move back in. As soon as we're back on our feet again, it's back to the "I hate you" and off on our own again. We've become a society of no accountability. We've become so good at pointing the finger that we forget in 99.9% of the situations we are to blame. Look at our court systems. Tied up with cases where some sicko rapes and kills ten five year old girls. He stands trial and says "It wasn't my fault. I was abused as a child and my parents made me this way." You know what I say? Bullshit.

It's the same with the current trend of government bashing. We sit and point our finger in judgment blaming them for everything that is wrong and forgetting how these people came into power in the first place. We put them there. We are to blame. You have the ability unlike many other places out there to have a say in who runs your government and what they do. If you think different you are sadly mis-informed. I know I may get some blowback for this from people that say "I didn't vote for them." and I'll go ahead and respond to that now. Maybe not but the majority did. So what did YOU do to change the mind of the majority? What rallies did you attend and what door to door campaigning did you do? I'm going to go out on a limb and make a broad generalized statement here and say that four out of five of you probably did nothing.

Well America, I'm calling you out. I'm screaming shenanigans at you! Don't like what's going on? Change it. It's that simple. You are in one of the few countries in the world where you have a say in what happens to you. Sitting around complaining doesn't change your environment. Getting up and going out does. I'm daring you to make a difference. I'll go so far as to say I don't have time for people that will reply to this and say the "Bush Regime" is too powerful and we can't change it. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I still believe that as long as we still hold free elections our voice can be heard. If the majority goes for a direction you don't agree with blame the society that created them... not the people in power. They are only following what the majority told them to do.

"I watched with glee while your kings and queens
fought for ten decades, for the God they made
Shouted out "Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all... it was you and me"
-Sympathy for the Devil: Rolling Stones

Posted 1:30 PM by ill
So they convicted Marthat Stewart on all four remaining counts. Now, let me preface this by saying, I am not a Martha fan. Never really liked her a whole lot but I'm troubled by this. As I see this as a travesty to rich people everywhere. It says to me... "Hey rich people! We will tolerate no more of your richotry!" Personally I think this is unfair. If you are rich, by virtue of birth or heaven forbid build it up from nothing, then yes I feel you are entitled to certain things. One of which is stick it to the little guy. Stick it hard! By god, you earned that right! So when I see things like:

“Maybe it’s a victory for the little guys who lose money in the market because of these kinds of transactions,” said juror Chappell Hartridge, of the Bronx.

I think to myself was this justice? Or just some poor schmuck who made some bad investments and now wants to take it out on Martha, or anyone for that matter, that did better than him. It's a shame really. See, call me old fashioned, but I still believe in an America where, no matter who you are, you can rise above the befuddled masses and carve your own little piece of pie. Blaming your failures on someone else, and then of all things, taking it out on a poor celebrity is just uncalled for. And I even wrote once:

"Even the lowest of us all desires to sit in Caesar's sky box and watch the melee unfold so that we too can hold out our thumb and decide the fate of those who have lorded their fame and fortune over us."

But I think the next passage from a really old post, holds it all together.

"We are constantly looking for the next society created messiah to come forth and royally screw up so we can nail them to the CNN and MSNBC cross as we collectively jab a spear into his or her side and say "How dare you!" We seem to lose track as we watch the mighty fall that the only reason they were mighty in the first place was because we put them there."

So i get torn when I see things like this. There is a part of me that knows deep down their guilty. But their rich, and we made them rich. Now all of a sudden since we all aren't basking in the warm glow of the dot com bubble we choose to take it out on those, who by virtue of being rich, were smart enough to get while the gettin was good. But come on people... we let OJ off for killing his wife and were going to convict an uptight WASP with an uncanny ability to wield a hot glue gun to up to 20 years for making some green? We should be ashamed of ourselves.

Then again what the hell do i know...

SHE"S A WITCH!!!! BURN HER! BUUUUUURN HEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 3:13 PM by ill
Emperor Norton I

My illness and overall unwillingness to get out of bed let an important date pass without comment. Such a monumental occasion should never have been overlooked and I was wrong for doing it. But as the old saying goes... Better late than never.

Happy Birthday Emperor Norton I.


Born on February 14th 1819, Norton I was Americas first and only Emperor. After losing all his money (a considerable amount considering the time) trying to corner the San Francisco rice market, Norton I publicly declared himself Emperor.

"At the peremtory request of a large majority of the citizens of these United States, I, Joshua Norton, formerly of Algoa Bay, Cape of Good Hope, and now for the past nine years and ten months of San Francisco, California, declare and proclaim myself Emperor of these U.S., and in virtue of the authority thereby in me vested, do hereby order and direct the representatives of the different States of the Union to assemble in the Musical Hall of this city on the 1st day of February next, then and there to make such alterations in the existing laws of the Union as may ameliorate the evils under which the country is laboring, and thereby cause confidence to exist, both at home and abroad, in our stability and integrity."

September 1859

Throughout his illustrious career, Norton I would make many proclamations, some of which were even considered by government, on how the country should be run. Considered a bit... eccentric, and often his proclamations were for things such as Abolishing Congress, Firing Governor Wise, and Firing Abraham Lincoln. He even had his own currency which was accepted throughout San Francisco (only from him).

More than just a "kook" Norton I did some amazing things. At that time, Anti-Chinese uprisings were common. At the apex of one very heated vigilante mob. Norton I stood in the middle of the street bowed his head and recited the Lord's Prayer. This shamed the mob so that they left peacefully and carried out none of the actions they threatened.

He was the first to call for a "League of Nations" to help settle disputes peacefully.

Norton I was an icon of America. If nothing else he was the embodiment of everything America is, was, and could be. Only in America can a man declare himself Emperor, publish edicts, and live entirely off a community that loved him for his odd ways. Think perhaps he wasn't as loved as all that?

In 1880 Norton I died. Over 30,000 people turned up for his funeral and procession was over two miles long.


Le Roi Est Mort
San Francisco Chronicle
January 9, 1880

Last night at 8:15, Joshua Norton, universally known, and known almost only as Emperor Norton, died suddenly in this city. The similar death of the first citizen of San Francisco, or the highest municipal officer of the city, would not have caused so general a sensation as that of the harmless old man whose monomania never distorted at least a heart which was wholesome, and hardly affected a mind which had once been of the shrewdest, other than in the method of his sovereignty of the United States and Protectorate of Mexico. He had started from Kearny Street up California Street, with the intention of occupying a seat in the rooms of the Academy of Science during the debate of the Hastings Society. Almost as he reached the East line of Dupont Street on the south pavement of California, he halted for a moment, then staggered forward, halted again and then fell prone on the sidewalk. Wm. Proll, doing business at 537 California Street, was going up California Street immediately behind the Emperor, saw him fall, and hastened to aid him. With the assistance of others who quickly arrived, the Emperor was placed in a sitting posture on the wet pavement and his back supported against the wall of the corner house. His speechlessness and his head fallen forward on his breast indicated to the rapidly gathering crowd, every one of whom knew him and knew him to be highly temperate, that something serious had befallen him and the police officer on the beat hastened for a carriage to convey him to the City Receiving Hospital. Speedily as the hack had been procured, when it arrived at the place Norton was dead.

On the reeking pavement, in the darkness of a moonless night under the dripping rain, and surrounded by a hastily gathered crowd of wondering strangers, Norton I, by the grace of God, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico, departed this life. Other sovereigns have died with no more of kindly care--other sovereigns have died as they have lived with all the pomp of earthly majesty, but death having touched them, Norton I rises up the exact peer of the haughtiest King or Kaiser that ever wore a crown. Perhaps he will rise more than the peer of most of them. He had a better claim to kindly consideration than that his lot "forbade to wade through slaughter to a throne and shut the gates of mercy on mankind." Through his harmless proclamations can always be traced an innate gentleness of heat, a desire to effect uses and a courtesy, the possession of which would materially improve the bitterful living princes whose names will naturally suggest themselves.


Happy Birthday Emperor Norton I.

Posted 1:08 PM by ill
MmmmmmMMMMmmmmm a Super bowl full of testosterone, testicle trashing, fart jokes, and nudity.

I didn't watch the big game. Mainly because I don't watch football. Not that there is anything wrong with supporting glorified thugs with a third grade education and a ten figure salary for playing a game best reserved for eight year olds on a playground, it's just not for me.

So I missed most of the commercials and the exposed breast. Damn. Once again I’m behind the times.
Which brings me to the point of this....

Many people have jumped on the bandwagon that the whole thing was staged. That it was planned from the beginning and everyone knew it was going to happen. I on the other hand, fully support the real victims in this... Janet Jackson and Justin Timberlake. Here were two innocent kids victimized by big business trying to save a few bucks on wardrobe and shipping it off to some third world country to be produced. As I looked at this I began to realize the alarming frequency with which this sort of thing happens. For instance...

Britney Spears' wardrobe during the MTV Video awards. Here she is starting out in a nice suit/hat combination and the next thing you know BLAMMO! The whole thing comes apart at the seams and, being the consummate performer she is, is forced to finish the entire song in only her bra and panties. Shameful.

But she's not the only one. Look at Christina Aguilllarala... Aquilare... Aguila... well however you spell it Look at poor Christina. Here is a girl that just wants to be a singer yet every time she takes the stage she's forced to wear a costume where the seat has fallen out of it. There she is trying her best to sing and act like nothing is wrong and the whole time people are forced to focus more on her derriere than her songbird like qualities. No wonder she can't get a break.

So I say to all out there. Be not mad at the poor performers. They are victims of big business cutting corners. Just trying to save some bucks and passing the shoddy work onto you the consumer. Don't let them stand up and fight!!! Tell them NO MORE will we be exposed to pop singer body parts!!! We want double stitching Mr. Bigwig and we want it now!!!

Until then we'll just be forced to stare at exposed nipples and genitalia as some fifteen cent a day worker in Central America says... "Meeesteeeer Geffin want seeengle steeech? Meeesteeeer Geffin get seeengle steeech?"

Posted 10:39 AM by ill
I'm baaaaaaack.... Didya miss me?

Posted 9:28 AM by ill
Screenplays, Gettin Old, and the Starter Marriage

So I have been very slack recently when it comes to updating. I assure all my loyal readers that there has been a very good reason for it. One that I feel both of you needs an explanation for.

I have been writing screenplays. Somewhat successfully too I might add. As a matter of fact the buzz (isn't that cool I actually can use me and "buzz" in the same sentence) is that I may end up being a strong force in the straight to video shoestring budget horror films... Hey whatever pays y'know? Anywho, the writing has gone well and we may actually see a few things with my name attached to it at your local video store. (I'm not going to say Blockbuster here because they are kind of sue-happy. I know they once sued me for a $3.49 late fee). So It looks like I'm well on my way to becoming ill "Mr. Hollywood" bill. My agent assures me that it is going to happen any time now. It's only a matter of weeks before I'm having sex with lots of strange women, some even at the same time. I find the whole idea very appealing. However, for some reason, my wife does not seem to share the joy in this. Go figure. But, if I am truly going to become "Mr. Hollywood" then my first wife will have to be divorced before I truly make it big. It's just what you do. You always have to upgrade from your starter wife. It's how Hollywood works. It's like when you buy your first home. Your starter home. Ordinarily it serves your purpose very well. It's quaint and comfortable and full of old familiar things that, sure sometimes you hate, but always miss when they aren't around. But as you slowly climb the social ranks of excess, you eventually have to trade up. You can't have dinner parties in a comfortable four-room bungalow. So you move on to something bigger and better. No longer can you stay in the quiet comfort of your tiny house. You have to move on to big open spaces and dramatic architecture. Sustenance doesn't matter it's all about the appearance. sooo... you upgrade. It works the same with spouses. Just ask J-Lo or Jim Carey. Sorry hon, nothing personal, it's just what you do.

I'm also officially old. How old I don't think we need to get into here just suffice it to say it's going to be a lot harder to justify "clubbing." Somehow I just don't think I can take myself seriously now at my age if I go out to all hours of the night clutching my pacifier and glow stick. Come to think of it I never really did that anyway so I guess it all works out. The only real downside of it is that when I used to look around my pub I would see all these old guys in there drinking with me.... Now it's like "Holy SHIT! I AM one of those old guys!!"

Oh well... At least I still have my hair... No wait.. Actually I don't. Well at least I'm not fat... oh wait I've gained 40lbs in the last year... Well I still have my health... Oh gotta run it's time for a smoke.

Posted 9:36 AM by ill
"Don't let him cheapen the moment..."

I looked over at Dave as he massaged the chest of a bartender/stripper/prostitute at the Bannabaren. Jens had slowly moved in to get a better view of the girl on the bar.
"We have a history you just ignore him"

I wondered how Dave's American wit was working on the dancer. I wonder if sarcasm translates well in to Dutch culture... than again she was a girl who had just launched a vibrator 15fett in the air with her vagina. Maybe she didn't care.

One hour earlier
The bachelor party took an interesting turn. We were waiting in line to get in to the Bananabaren as the two hookers I had lined up to put on a shoe for us were unable to come together so to speak. Seems they weren't allowed in to Nick's room, as there were no guests allowed upstairs. We had to nix the idea or shell out another 400Euro for a hotel room that was recommended by the escort service. This just smacked of a raw deal and thinking better (for once in this town) we decided to just let the crazy shit that goes on in this town entertain us instead.

So when we finally make it to the Banabaren the doorman explains that it will be at least an hour before he can let anyone in. To make it up to us he will give us admission to La Casa Rosso for 10Euro more and then we can come back and get our time with the banana girls when the place clears out. So we all pay the 50Euro and proceed to be led down to La Casa Rosso for free drinks and live sex shows (more on that later). We get marched in to a special section where we wait for around 20mins as people get led in to the sax show and we continue to wait behind the velvet rope that is held together by giant brass peni (penis's??) when it begins to dawn on us... we've just been ripped off. So in true American fashion I inquired with the doorman when we would be allowed in...
Looking over me (rather disdainfully I might add) he replied "1:10AM.
"But it's not even eleven"
Again "1:10" only this time he let more people in to show me that he was truly in charge of who got to see stilted people in mechanical motion have half-hearted sex with each other.
That was it. I was pissed. Fortunately I had four Danes with me... They were pissed too. We began to walk our way out of line going on about demanding our money back when suddenly some strange guy comes from the back hands us our tickets and lets us in. It was all very weird.

Live Sex Show
or...
These people are getting laid all the time and they just don't enjoy it.

If you ever wonder what two people having sex on stage looks like... don't. All you need to do is take a look around where you work. Hear the little conversations going on between co-workers? See the look of work boredom on their face? Now. Picture them having sex with each other while all of this is going on. That is a live sex show. No emotion, no surprises, just... work. I use to think that might not be sucha bad job... then after seeing it... I realized... It's just that, a job.

Sad. A childhood fantasy lost forever.

Wrap your arms around a Danish

Danes touch each other more than most heterosexual American men are comfortable with. I wasn't really sure at first if perhaps they were just so confident in their own sexuality and lot in life (trust me Danes love themselves. A lot) they could be very open like that... or Denmark is creating the first bi-sexual nation. Naaah... gotta be the vanity thing. Chicks dig the Danish... and more importantly the Danish dig the Danish... so it all works out.

Posted 2:24 PM by ill
Ah yes, yes, once in a while indulge...spree and pee...a look at the girls and a brawl...not too bloody...ring around the rosie...you know...shake the bugs out of the rug.
- Henry Miller

It's that time of year my friends... When ill heads overseas to spread my own personal joy with the other side of the pond. Europeans love me. I argue and debate while sipping coffee or wine all the while looking self important and wearing black for the death of my soul. I've even learned to master the "Bah" and audible "lip blow" of the best French debaters. I can do it... I'm doing it now!

Seriously though, my friend is to be married in a week. I tried to talk him out of it but he seemed dead set on it and there appeared to be nothing I could do about it... So... I decided a bachelor party was in order... in Amsterdam. Oh yeah. Now that is what I'm talking 'bout! We shall shake the canal houses to their very cobblestone foundations as a strange grouping of fellows from all walks of life waddles the streets with one purpose and one purpose alone... To honor our fallen brother with drink and song and all things that should not be done by self-respecting gentlemen... That night we shall rise like Phoenix from the ashes to be reborn!!! Dionysus and Bacchus shall sit at each shoulder as we struggle for consciousness and stability... We shall scream from the rooftops and pass out in alleys. The gods will sing songs in our honor!!! We shall rule the night.

Fear not readers as my hotel has provided me with complimentary internet service so I shall be able to capture the debauchery for all the world to see. I will even take pictures that surely will prevent us from holding public office one day. I will do all of this and more for my loyal readers, as I love you all... Revel with me and be a part of the party!

LIVE DAMN YOU LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted 10:11 PM by ill
I've been remiss...

Posted 12:52 PM by ill
iLoo a Hoax???

It would appear so...



for some reason I feel a bit sad about it though...

Posted 7:49 AM by ill
I want a coliseum. Complete with man-eating animals and a bevy of terrified Christians...

Ok, maybe not really. I do a lot of Christian bashing on this blog. Maybe it's wrong of me and maybe I'll end up in hell for it but then again, I just feel they deserve it. Take this story for instance. Scary stuff if you ask me. Yet no one seems to have a problem with this. Kids are shuttled off like sheep to a three-day revival to learn peace tolerance and the joy of "God's Love." Then they get to come back and intimidate, bully, and abuse those that do not follow their beliefs. WOW. Now is that some good old Christian beliefs and family values or what. What is wrong with a world that first off follows blindly any religion without question or contemplation and second don't we have a separation of church and state? I'm pretty sure that's in our constitution. Yet it is being promoted in our schools children are allowed to be absent from class all so they can say amen on cue and get saved from the moral decay that is the American freedom and way of life. Good thing those kids are saved cause now they can know they are doing the right thing when they call her "Satan worshipper and accused of eating babies when it was revealed she was a pagan. She said she was taunted, found slurs painted over her locker and was injured when classmates assaulted her and slammed her head into the locker." Now if that ain't peace and love then I don't know what is.

What bothers me the most about this is it got so bad they actually had to pull the girl out of school. Here is a child who does quite well and is now being denied her right to an education because the school system feels it's more important to spread the word of god then uphold basic human rights. This infuriates me, probably more than it should, but I just can't help myself. When I see things like "After Christmas break in early 2002, India said three boys chased her down a hall at Horace Maynard Middle School, grabbed her by the neck and said, "You better change your religion or we'll change it for you." I can't help but get mad. It makes me want to sit triumphantly in my emperor's booth and look down at my pagan gladiators hold aloft my hand as the crowd falls to a hushed silence then listen to the frenzy as my thumb turns squarely down. But I'm not bitter.

Posted 1:27 PM by ill
Excuse me you appear to have some internet stuck to your shoe.

Just when I think the world can get no wackier something comes along that truly makes me slap myself in the head and say "Why didn't I think of that?". The future of potty breaks is here and it is brought to you by the fine folks at MSN. Move over Ginger... it's the iLoo! Imagine you are sitting on the commode, desperately trying to remove the super size corndog on a stick you picked up at the Dave Matthews concert and you look to your right and there it is... No not the toilet paper but the beautiful shiny glow from a plasma screen beckoning you to do some online business why you conduct your business. Fantastic. Let's be hones here. How many times do great ideas or thoughts pop in to your head while you are sitting there? At least twice. Now you can look up anything that pop's in to your red-faced strained little head without having to wait. Check out the specs on this bad boy:

"...complete with flat-screen plasma display, wireless keyboard and broadband access."

Waitaminit??? Wireless keyboard? How long before someone walks off with that? Then what will you do? You're stuck staring at the MSN homepage longing to know just what J-Lo and Ben Affleck were wearing at the Grammy’s only to be taunted by 64x64 pixel thumbnail image and no way to click and find out. Speaking of thumbnails... Will this thing have parental controls? Think about it. It's hard enough to get a twelve year old out of the bathroom but now he can go to a public toilet and view porn on screen with his pants around his ankles? Sounds like nothing but trouble to me. Tell me there won't be a long line for that one.

All in all I think this is probably one idea whose time has not come. I know, I know, I'm a pessimist but I have to admit I just can't see the validity of this "invention" (and I use that term loosely) mainly because the last thing I want to do is put my hands on a keyboard that has been touched by hundreds of unwashed hands as they sit on the crapper...

Maybe it's just me.

Posted 12:20 PM by ill
Hornier than a ten peckered owl...

What the hell does that mean? Don't know but that's been me for a few weeks. I'm bursting with enough sexual repression to blow a load like a shotgun blast if I'm not careful. No wonder my wife won't sleep with me. It's out of sheer fear for her personal well-being. Oh well, that's why we have the internet. It helps people like me get laid even if there isn't a partner involved. But... does that mean I'm not having sex if a partner is not involved? Does sex only constitute the use of a partner? I mean technically you are having sex with yourself aren't you? Let’s look at this. Sex can be basically broken down in to a few things. There is the whole baby thing but that's not the kinda sex I'm talking about here (my apologies in advance to any catholic readers). I'm talking the kinda sex where you are just out to feel good for 2 maybe three minutes then find a sandwich and a place to take a nap. I mean let's be honest here, the main reason you have sex is to feel good. If not why do it. It certainly isn't about the other person. I mean who wants to have sex with some person only for the point of making them feel good. Sure that's part of it but ultimately it comes down to a "me" philosophy. Anyone that says differently is lying. Think I'm wrong? The next time a person tells you it's all about the partner say "really? What are you doing later?" no I’m kidding. Ask them this question. "So, if it is all about the other person than you don't ever have to have an orgasm or for that matter have any attention paid to you in bed in any way shape or form? So if you get your partner off you are done? So you can just stop and there's no need to go any further for you?" If they say yes then definitely find out what they are doing later.

Seriously though I kind of went off on a tangent there but it was for a point. If you pleasure yourself and get yourself off without a partner have you not just technically had sex? So maybe I'm complaining for no reason. Maybe I have been getting laid nearly every day since I was twelve... I guess technically I've had a pretty active sex life. Hmmm... I guess this whole thing is moot. I'm getting laid on a regular basis and quite frankly.... I never have any complaints.

Posted 3:28 PM by ill
Wednesday is Poetry Day!

I have decided to try and interject a little culture to the ol' illofbill site. So every other Wednesday or so will now be poetry day. Some by me some by other folks. So without further ado:

Fascination Street

Oh it's opening time
Down on fascination street
So let's cut the conversation
And get out for a bit
Because i feel it all fading and paling
And i'm begging to drag you down with me
To kick the last nail in
Yeah i like you in that like i like you to scream
But if you open your mouth then i cant be responsible for
Quite what goes in or to care what comes out
So just pull on your hair
Just pull on your pout
And let's move to the beat
Like we know that it's over
If you slip going under
Slip over my shoulder
So just pull on your face
Just pull on your feet
And let's hit opening time
Down on fascination street
So pull on your hair
Pull on your pout
Cut the conversation just open your mouth
Pull on your face pull on your feet
And let's hit opening time
Down on fascination street

Doesn't that just make ya wanna do something naughty???
;)

Posted 7:40 AM by ill
I think we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief eh?

"Despite the newly heightened imminence of war in Iraq, all systems are go for the Sunday night Oscars — at least for now. Oscar telecast producer Gil Cates has issued a statement: “The Academy Awards are scheduled to proceed Sunday at 5:30 p.m.” But the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences this week will be going over its contingency plans, spurred by President Bush’s declaration Monday evening that military action against Iraq could be launched as soon as Wednesday night." Complete article here (If you care)

Thank GOD! And here I thought I was not going to get the opportunity to see a bunch of self absorbed assholes accept awards for taking stage direction while spouting out anti-war sentiment to anyone who gives a shit about their 30 million dollar a picture lives. You know what I hate? Actors. They are so self absorbed as to think we even remotely care what they have to say on any political front.

In a related article It seems we won't be getting the ol' red carpet review. Why whatever will Joan and Melissa do when they can't pick apart the fashionably challenged on E!. Has anyone thought about that? I mean they have families... Melissa just had a child for goodness sake. If she can't do her job however will she provide for her child... This is because of those selfish actors like Nicole Kidman.

"Nicole Kidman, lead actress nominee for The Hours, and Daniel Day-Lewis, who is up for lead actor for Gangs of New York, have told The Associated Press that they would feel uncomfortable appearing cheerful and stylish in the midst of war."

Glad to know they'd feel a little uncomfortable being "cheerful and stylish in the midst of war" you know I have to admit I was concerned... I said to my wife just the other night.

"Do you think all those actors will feel a bit uncomfortable if we go to war? You know being all cheerful and stylish while troops are fighting life and death battles for $18,000 a year so the celebs can continue to make hundreds of millions of dollars for remembering what some other person wrote."

So if I can offer any advice to those brave actors who wandered out amidst the terror of oscar night it would be this.
Hey You! Yeah you actor person! Read your lines, look pretty, grab your little statue, and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Posted 10:44 AM by ill
The Lord will protect and guide you... Sometimes

It seems that Evangelical Christians are cancelling their missionary work saving those less fortunate than themselves from the horror of worshipping the wrong God. It would appear that although God is almighty and protects his children from harm that his reach only works on American shores. I find this interesting when you consider the fact that the people they are trying to "save" through Christian ministry are more than willing to die for their beliefs while the Christians kind of go "Whoa now waitaminit here... Sure I love the Lord, lots, but I'm not gonna die to spread his word. I mean come on, people get killed in these countries." So I guess faith only goes so far. You can only preach the gospel and help to turn entire countries, which were riddled with hunger, famine, and disease, in to Christians that are riddled with hunger, famine, and disease if it's safe. Now this part I loved:

"The potential for risk outweighed the potential for ministry," said the Rev. Ed Rowell, whose People's Church in suburban Franklin abandoned plans for a mission to Krygyzstan, where a radical Islamic group has called for a holy war against Americans.

Beautiful. Hey we'd like to spread the word but we just can't right now. You understand don't ya God?

Or even better still the other side of the argument:

Earl Lavender, director of missions at Church of Christ-affiliated Lipscomb University in Nashville, left Friday with a group of students headed for Scotland and England. "I choose to live in a world where God is in control," Lavender said. "If we stop out of fear, then how are we different from people in the world who don't have hope?"

Yeah! You go Earl. You traverse the treacherous and uncertain political climate that is England and Scotland. Watch out guys. I saw Braveheart. Those Scotsman can be a rowdy unruly bunch... I'd also bet good money that High Tea is just some sort of subversive ritual for mass disruption of the Christian ideals. Keep up the good work.

Posted 12:03 PM by ill
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
Homer Simpson

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!! Go have a green beer!

Posted 10:59 AM by ill
God Schmod! I want my Monkey Boy

I love my job... no really I mean that. Where else can you pour your blood sweat and tears in to a project only to present it and be insulted by the powers that be. So there I sit, mouse in hand, laptop glowing with the pixel din of a job well done. Infocus machine flashing the carefully designed screens that make me the powerhouse of interface design. The ooh's and aaah's of the audience only reinforced my feeling of accomplishment as I described the process by which the system would operate. I felt content with the world. As if I had finally contributed something worthwhile to this confused and scared user group just looking for a better way to work. I finished the presentation and the group leader began to sing my praises, as I had done this off of just a handful of requirements and little direction, when the “man in charge” stopped him He calmly pointed out, without missing a beat, "well, let's face it. If you have good requirements a monkey could make screens."

Ahhhhhh Job satisfaction.

Posted 10:24 AM by ill
Lovitz or Leave it

It's a pretty common thing for folks to ask other folks "Do you know who you remind me of?" It's been practiced through the ages I'm sure. Why I even imagine in ancient Rome people compared others to someone of celebrity... "Hey Claudius, do you know who you remind me of?" Then Claudius would reply "Why no Augustus, who?" So Augustus would come back with "Do you remember Lucius Aurelius Verus? Y'know he ruled us what was it 161 or 162? I dunno... but you are a spittin image of his statue in the hall of emperors." So Claudius would walk away with a feeling of empowerment having been compared to a ruler of the vast Roman Empire. Today is no different. Don't believe me? Ask anyone who they are told they look like and two things will happen. First, it will inevitably be someone famous (no one ever says, "I look like my Aunt Edna. We have the same lack of chin and protruding nose"). No it's going to be, if it is a male, someone like Brad Pitt or Vin Deisel or someone along those lines. If it is a woman you'll get a Pam Anderson or Kirsten Dunst or Halle Berry or someone along those lines. The Second thing you will notice is they look nothing like the people they claim they get told they look like all the time. So are people living in a fantasy world or are others really telling folks things that just simply can't be? Then again, there is my friend Jay who in all honesty really does look like Jesus. But that's neither here nor there.

Actually I think I just may be a bit angry, mainly because I have never get the good ones. Never. And last night was no exception. It was bad enough when I was first compared to Bobcat Goldthwait but last night really took the cake. I'm sitting there having, what I thought was a nice conversation with a friend of a friend, when she lays the "Do you know who you remind me of?" bombshell. Instantly I tensed. I dread these moments... Come on after being compared to "the Bobcat" who wouldn't. So to make matters worse she added the caveat of "Now don't take this the wrong way..." WHAT? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Don't take this the wrong way?!?!?! Obviously if you have to point out to someone that the statement you are about to make could be taken the wrong way then the best guess in this scenario is to realize it is going to be taken "the wrong way." So I sit there waiting for this thinking... "Dear God... what now?" When she lays on me... Are you ready for this... John Lovitz. John F'ing Lovitz?!?!?!?! What is it about me that seems to draw comparisons to fat balding comics that no one finds funny any more. How did I get lumped in to this category?

Posted 8:18 AM by ill
EGADS!!!!! I WENT MAINSTREAM!!!!

CNN.com recently reported on the phenomenon of blogging and the fact that it has now gone mainstream. What the hell does that mean? Am I no longer in a small cool cross section of counter-culture? Let's reflect for a moment. I spent the better part of my childhood trying to be accepted into the "in" crowd. I never really was and as I got older I began to realize I didn't want to be. I couldn't function in social environments where football and trucks dominated the conversation. It was difficult to engage in a party conversation when someone would comment on a great game they saw last night and my only way to add to the conversation was to discuss the research I had done over the weekend on Dutch impressionists and their effect on the impressionist movement. People just looked at me rather oddly then shunned me. I suddenly came to the conclusion I wanted nothing to do with them. I reveled in this. My own little world where I could look down and the masses around me and think "poor fellows... don't worry when I rule the world you will all be treated fairly... BWAAAA HAAAA HAAAA!!!!!!" waitaminit, where was I? Oh yeah. So I enjoyed my quirky nature. I found it liberating and felt that I understood some kind of cosmic joke that only a select few that made it into my sanctum sanctorum understood. It was nice. Now though, after years of doing the opposite of what everyone else did I am part of a mainstream movement... I've been lumped into the same category as those Survivor watching simpletons who sit around night after night wondering who will get kicked off the island next. Where did I go wrong? It's kind of like having a favorite band that no one ever heard of. You bleat on and on about them trying to get everyone to listen to them. Then all of a sudden they get one big radio hit and everyone is walking around in their t-shirts spouting out how wonderful they were. Suddenly some of the romance is gone. Sure you wanted the band to do well. You wanted everyone to see how great they were, the same way you did. But somehow when everyone else started listening it cheapened the moment... So what can I do about this?

I guess this is one to bring up over a double mocha half-caf soy latte at Starbucks with my friends...

Posted 10:51 AM by ill
Talking with my mouth full of foot

I've discovered something about myself.... well no, that's not completely honest. I've known this for a very long time. I may just now be accepting it. Vocalizing it so that I can make the first step to recovery. I have a tendency to say the completely wrong thing at the wrong time. It’s uncanny. Really.

I like to think that most people have a little valve on their brain that filters out things that are thought but not generally said for fear of offending or hurting someone’s feelings. Most folks think it, chuckle to their self, and then move on with the socializing. Unfortunately my little valve is stuck open. It filters nothing. If it pops in to my little pea brain chances are good it's going to come right out of my mouth. I do it all the time... for that matter I’ve done it since I was a child. It's what I do. For instance, I was in fourth grade my father had told a dirty joke at the dinner table (he was notorious for this and probably, no definitely, the source of my foot and mouth disease). I didn't get the joke. Not one bit of it. So I told it the next day at school. At lunch. To the teacher... And you know what? When I got to the punch line, I got it. See one of those moments. So maybe that wasn't the best example as the blame could squarely be placed on my father’s shoulders and my innocence. But it was just one of many situations where I should have just kept my big fat mouth shut. Like asking a woman when her baby is due only to find out that she was just fat. These are pretty common blunders and ones that can be easily, yet uncomfortably, backpedaled out of. The biggest problem I have in this though is the humorous comments I make at the drop of a hat. Now I will admit that sometimes my humor borders on genius and everyone laughs until their sides hurt. Unfortunately the other 99.9% of the time you could hear a pin drop. I make my comment, look around the room at the horrified faces... then make with the apologies. "No really, I'm sorry, see I was just making a joke. I didn't realize it was a serious discussion about your husband having three testicles... If I had known I never would have called him Chock-Fulla-Nuts. Really... I truly am sorry." I find I spend half my life talking and the other half apologizing for what I just said. It's a fascinating concept that for some reason I never seem to tire from. At least I must not after all it hasn't stopped me from doing it. The worst part about it is I not only have to apologize to the people I offended, but I then have to drive home from these engagements with my wife, sitting cross armed in the passenger seat as I try to defend my verbal actions. "No really, I think if you stop and think about it you really will find it funny. Seriously. Think about it.. Not even a little funny? No... I'll send an email when I get home apologizing again."

So I guess all I can say is I am trying. Not always successfully but I am trying to not do it so much. I will do my best to keep these things from taking place but I consider it the equivalent of verbally passing gas. I'm in an environment where I’m comfortable and relaxed and BRRRRAAT! Out it comes. I hate that it happens and sure I have to apologize profusely afterwards but at the moment... it just felt right.

"WOW! Your eyes are really close together... I mean it's almost simian like... What? Oh. No it was a joke... No... You're right... I'm sorry... Really. "

Posted 12:17 PM by ill
Pulling out of the funk and into the silly...

I've been especially morose as of late. A trait I picked up in my childhood and tends to rear its ugly head periodically in my adult life. I don't know why really. Angst? Depression? This constant search for the one honest person? No wait.. That wasn't me that was Diogenes. Well, no matter the reasons it has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember and will probably continue for the rest of my time on this little blue-green ball of mud. All in all though I've been pulling myself out of the funk. I think many times I get in to these moods just so I can feel the rush of getting out of them. There’s nothing like the adrenaline rush of manic mood swings...

But the old ill is coming back, at least for a few days anyway. So I'm sure new silliness will abound!

So the weekend... wow what can I say about that. Two. Count 'em! TWO keg parties. I know, I know... I'm an old man. These parties should be reserved for younger more able-bodied folks then me but screw it. Every now and then you need the pain and discomfort of a "too much beer" hangover. The jackhammers in my head and the salmon going upstream in my stomach to spawn let me know I'm still alive. I have to be alive. If it feels like that to be dead then no thank you! The Saturday party was nice. An interesting collection of folks that afforded me the drunken philosophical debates that I’ve become famous for at parties such as these. At one party I ended up in a particularly heated debate over the need of man to create a physical shrine of objects around him to create an aura of self-importance. I was doing very well in this debate I had the poor fellow on the ropes so to speak. After a beautiful fifteen-minute diatribe my point was made and cast in stone. Completely unbreakable... Then I discovered I had this conversation with a wall mirror... no wonder the guy kept talking over me. Oddly enough this little display made me somewhat of the social leper for the rest of the evening... No matter. I still won the debate.

Posted 11:17 AM by ill
Creatures of habit

I went out Saturday to see UGLY play with a friends band Bullet Theory. The show was quite entertaining and even a few friends from work showed up. All in all I think everyone had a good time and both bands put on a “helluva” (gotta use rocker speak for that) show. There was a third band playing but I didn’t stick around. The alternating Red Bull and Heineken mix was beginning to wreak havoc on my insides so I decided it was best to vacate the premises. I know this should have been a nice time for me but I found myself leaving a tad drained and more then a little depressed. The evening started off innocently enough, I watched the ladies on the dance floor and lusted after them thinking (and sometimes vocalizing to my friends) this inherit need to get laid. As many of you may or may not know. I am married. I have been for over three years now. Somewhere in the first year we just stopped having sex. This has driven me pretty crazy over the last couple of years and in many ways has built up a vast amount of resentment on my part. To the point I can’t even discuss it with her anymore without snide comments or downright rudeness. I hate that. All I do is sabotage my chances by being an asshole. What is the point of all this you ask? Well I came to a realization Saturday night. I watched as people and their significant others danced and played with one another on the floor and it occurred to me, I don’t miss sex. I miss companionship. OK, OK, I miss sex but there is something else. That little something of just being with someone instead of just cohabitating, instead of just going through the motions. I’ve been going through the motions. I think honestly we both have. Somewhere along the way we went from young married couple to roommates and quite frankly I don’t know how to fix it. Or even if it can be fixed. What happens that wakes you up in the morning to look over at the person next to only to realize you have no clue who they are. Does the fault lie with you? The other person? A combination of those things? When did the excitement die and the mundane day to day operation of living kick in. When did we both stop caring. Not about the other but just in general. Is this what happens? Do all married couples make some kind of unconscious decision that small talk takes over where once passionate discussions of the future and plans lived? Where does the “feeling” go? It’s not that you no longer love one another. It just becomes a different “kind” of love. You no longer spend hours wrapped in each others bodies letting your soul run bare of all fears and wants and needs that only naked post coital openness can bring. You never felt stupid or unwanted or obsolete. You just felt. Felt like if that person next to you were to leave your whole world would collapse. It doesn’t feel that way anymore. The coldness kicks in and all you can think about is if that person leaves is who gets the house? How much money will I have to fork out? What was once a life or death situation now becomes something more in tune with cold thinking and economics. Have we just grown up? Have we matured to realize that the kind of passionate love we once enjoyed is only reserved for kids and movies? If so, I want to be a kid again. I may have spent the better part of my childhood heart broken but at least I knew I had one.

Posted 7:58 AM by ill
Better Living Through Chemistry

I have a scientific mind. Not unlike the proverbial steel trap it grabs a hold of pointless knowledge so that I can access it later to the amazement and delight of bar patrons everywhere. Today is no different as I am conducting an experiment, and like any good scientist, I am the Guinea pig. I've decided to see just how many stimulants the human body can take. So this morning I decided I would start the day off with a nice quadruple espresso (made from my own home roasted beans). This was killed as quickly as possible before entering the shower to start the next phase of "wake up." I got ready for work and headed off to the corner store for smoke (more stimulants) when I noticed the Red Bull display. Now let's back up here a minute the quadruple espresso is nothing new for me in the morning. I've been doing that since high school and it was just something I "do" to get myself going in the morning. The Red Bull on the other hand this was something new for me. The display had them on sale 5 for 10 bucks. Now these things sell for about 2.25 apiece so I figured I was saving a buck and a quarter and it seemed like a good deal to me. So 5 Red Bulls in hand I pounced up to the register bought my smokes and my 5 Red Bulls. For the benefit of anyone who has not seen these cans they are not exactly big. I'd say they are around half the size of a Coke can. So five really doesn't seem like a whole lot. I got back to my car and settled in for my thirty-minute ride to work. I was amazed at how quickly you can put down a Red Bull. Seriously once you get past the whole chewable aspirin taste they go don't quite easily. Before I knew it I was pulling up the base and polishing off the fifth drink. To say that I am bouncing off the walls would be like saying a super high bounce ball has a "nice loft" when thrown to the ground with maximum force. But it's not going to end here folks. Oh no! Not by a long shot. There is still coffee to drink all day at the office (of which I am well in to my large first cup). So my goal for the day is to see just how much I can take before I end up bloated on the bathroom floor, cans of Red Bull littering my feet, with my sequined jumpsuit around my ankles...

Ladies and Gentleman... illbill has left the building!

Posted 9:13 AM by ill
Obscenity and the missing Nipple

I received and email from a friend of mine today. One that I feel warrants further discussion. I must admit that I hadn't thought about this before (and it is refreshing that someone else's mind works like mine occasionally) but a very valid point was made. So first I offer the email:

"I've read Illofbill this morning and I would say that while your left side of your brain is working well, I would like to share something that deeply disturbs me. At our house we get like 5 VS (Victoria's Secret) catalogs a day, so being the guy I am I look at every one of them. Now for the hard part, someone has stolen all the models nipples, they don't have any, and I've looked! They still have breasts and asses, but even if you did a professor Peabody inspection, you won't find any.....

I feel sorry for those girls. If I find any spare nipples, I'm going to send them some.

Have a nice day.

W"

I started thinking back to the catalogs I have received in the past. I pictured the images in my head trying to look at it from the same perspective as my friend (instead of my usual "WooHoo HOT chicks in LINGERIE!!" attitude) and I discovered he is right. There are no visible nipples on the models. Even sheer bras offer no hint of any different skin coloration or the slightest "pokie." So what does this mean then? Have we as a society decided that the nipple is offensive? Well yes and no. I do believe that society has handed down to the American public that the nipple is offensive, but only the female nipple. The male nipple is still open game and can be flashed around like a beacon of nipple light for all the world to see. This seems horribly unfair. What could be the difference? Why can I see every part of the female breast except the nipple? Lord knows I have seen my share of men whose breasts are larger then some models yet no one felt the urge to airbrush out their nipples and quite frankly, in many instances, I wish they had. So what I guess it boils down to is what I like to refer to as the "lactating factor." If your nipples are capable of producing life sustaining elixir for offspring then your nipple cannot be show in public... but here's where that falls apart. You can breastfeed in public. So this can only mean that a nipple is considered obscene if the potential to lactate is there but once lactation has been achieved it is no longer offensive and is considered natural and beautiful to have this intimate moment with your offspring at the local department store. This whole nipple mess gets quite confusing. Because as you can look over your left shoulder and witness the mother child intimacy that only breastfeeding can bring you can't however look over your right shoulder and see a lingerie ad hanging on the department store wall and see a nipple. BUT! You can see a man in briefs advertising the latest Fruit of the Loom nut hugger and see not only his nipples but also the complete outline of his John Thomas...

I'm so confused...

Posted 9:14 AM by ill
Screaming Backwards from Ten

It's been a crummy few weeks. It started when we had to put our cat to sleep. I discussed that earlier so I won't get into that now. Then we had to drive to the middle of nowhere for my wife's grandmothers funeral. We no sooner returned from it and my father lost his battle with cancer and passed away on Sunday February 2. This has been a roller coaster for me and I've been trying to keep everything in perspective. Thing is, I'm not sure of the perspective. I know what I need to do and I know that it has to be that way but at the same time I've spent so much time reflecting on everything in my life for the last few weeks that I'm not real sure I'm where I need to be. My writing has become more important to me than it ever has before. I see this outlet and it allows words to make the best of situations my mouth usually complicates. My brain has been working overtime trying to figure out a way where all I have to do is sit at home and write. Instead I go to work, and wonder. Wonder if I will wake up one day like my father and be stuck somewhere. I wonder if this is all it's going to be and just won't get any better then this until I am diagnosed with some horrible untreatable disease and having nothing to do but spend the remainder of my days wondering what if. Then I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself. The power to do the things I want to do are squarely in my hands. I can do the things I want to do and not get overcome with fear of failure or inadequacy. I can do it.

Posted 2:23 PM by ill
Gaseous Anomalies

Sometimes I think to myself men have to be the most disgusting creatures in the world. I question how women or anyone for that matter could ever be attracted to us. We generally have poor manners, almost all of us are slobs (one way or another), but the most repulsive aspect of the average male human must be its ability to offer up some of the foulest sounding and smelling noises the human body can produce. For example, I am in the bathroom (doing my part as a male with proper urinal etiquette see post The Mysterious Gay Middle Urinal) calmly taking care of business when a man walks in and proceeds to use the other urinal. Now this is not the problem. The problem came from the 45-second explosion of gas that sounded as though the poor fellow soiled himself in my presence it was horrendous. Words cannot convey the utter pain of the situation as I tried desperately to finish my business. Come on little guy!! Pee damn you PEEEEEE!!! Must leave... Eyes burning ... Nose hairs singed... Everything is going black...

The part that bothered me the most about this was the fact that the man did not miss a beat. He just kept right on going as if nothing had happened and all was right with the world. Now I will admit if you are going to do something like that then the proper place for it is definitely the bathroom. But for the love of GOD use a stall. I swear the man had to have left some kind of memento of that experience. No one can produce that much horrid sounding gas without producing something else with it. Well it would seem whether he did or didn't was of no concern as he calmly washed his hands and left to return to the office... Men truly are pigs...

Posted 1:28 PM by ill
Maybe I'm just unhappy...
And isn't that OK?

So I think the root of my problem started last Saturday... well maybe not the root. Maybe it was more of the culmination of all the events that have been taking place up to Saturday. Whatever the reason Saturday was significant because I lost one of my best friends. Jake. I know, I know, he was my cat and everyone seems to think weird fellow... How can anyone be this sentimental over an animal. But he wasn't just a pet to me. He was my friend, and probably the best one I've had to date. We would spend hours together laying on the couch curled up under blankets eating Twinkies and watching bad movies that my wife would never stay up for or for that matter ever watch. He was the perfect sleeping pill. All you had to do was kick back on the couch and he would join you on your chest curling up as one paw lay just slightly over your neck like some kind of wonderful kitty hug and BAM! You are asleep. The best part about Jake was that our relationship was unconditional. He accepted me for the slob and drunken smoker who would write for hours on the computer while he sat in my lap only looking up occasionally when I would cuss or laugh. I accepted him for the way he would chew on my arm in the middle of the night to get me to move from the warm spot in bed so that he could curl up there instead. I miss him. I miss my friend.

Work hasn't helped as I find myself doing more and more of my boss’s job and wondering why he still gets paid. I've been told I don't do enough and that I spend too much time surfing.... and I guess since this is being updated in the middle of my work day there may be some truth to that but... I do work, and I take great pride in what I do. I want to make sure that everything is done correctly to eliminate the need to do it over. The problem is I have the philosophy of doing it right and my boss has one of doing it fast. Unfortunately they never seem to get both. No matter though. I will do what I always do and crank out the work in record speed while still trying to maintain some type of standard. It's what I do.

Posted 12:48 PM by ill
And if you complain, once more. You'll meet and Army of ME!

So whatever happened to baby Eve..? It appears that no conclusive proof has come out of this claim from Clonaid. I have to admit I was torn by this announcement on December third. There was a part of me that worried just what if they had accomplished this feat and there are cloned babies out there? The other part of me hoped they had done it because there's nothing better then a wacko religious organization (I should mention here that I feel all religious organizations should begin with the term wacko. Like the wacko Baptists or wacko Catholics...) to set the science and religious community on its ear. If anyone were going to pull it off it would be some radical group with no real regard for human life because generally they can justify eliminating a few lives for the "cause." But it would appear that the latter was not to be. Cloanaid has been very aloof in their claims and offered no substantial (or even mediocre) proof to back them up. They've basically come out and said. "We did it. We are telling you we did it and you can either believe us or not." This is unfortunate for if they truly have accomplished the "impossible" then they need to have all the "ducks in a row" so to speak. Imagine what it could do not only for the Clonaid company but the Raelian movement as a whole. Why folks will be lining up to join Rael on the mother ship to begin cloning little armies. I know I would. Think of it. A whole army of little me's all designed to act like me and perform like me. Why I could take over the world! I could be unstoppable. Nations would tremble at the presence of my clone army as we ransacked nation after nation forcing those inhabitants to either side with me or fall to the great machine that is a million strong army of me! Then again... I am rather lazy and have been known to be quite insubordinate on many occasions. I have a feeling that my army may not accomplish much as none of them will really be able to take direction from any of the others or me for that matter and then there's those days where I’m just too depressed to get out of bed... Ah well it's but a dream best left unlived.

So what of this Eve and the Clonaid claim that she is the first of many to be popping out of Raelians worldwide. Will she end up acting on behalf of clone rights or will she fade off into that abyss reserved for Cato and that guy from Joe Millionaire... Only time will truly tell for sure one if they actually did it and two if she will ever be known to the general public as more then "Eve: The Super Clone Girl."

And what of the Raelians?
Where will this religious organization go now that they have had more press then they've probably ever seen since Rael got sucked up into the belly of that spaceship so long ago so the aliens could tell him that all life was created from cloning and they were the ones that did it. There are actually a few things I want to talk about when it comes to these folks and the media coverage of them. First let's look at Rael and just what he created...er excuse... was told. I would like to think that if his claim was true then why oh why would the aliens choose a writer, especially one whose job was to cover racing news, to tell of this fantastic story. Why not pop in to the United Nations and say "Hey guys... This is gonna seem real crazy and all but were aliens and well were responsible for you guys, y'know we made ya and stuff. So how 'bout we all climb aboard my cool spaceship and I'll give you the 4-1-1 on what's up with where you guys came from and how we need to start cloning babies..." That would seem to hold a little more clout then telling a third rate French sports writer to "Spread the word." Now if their defense I will say the media has been a tad unfair to them and their beliefs as they covered the story. They always passed on the news clips with just the tiniest bit of sarcasm and condescension in their voices when they would say "A company today claims to have cloned the first baby. Clonaid, a division of the Raelian movement a religious cult who believes the earth was created by aliens and we are clones of them." You could just hear them desperately trying not to laugh as they read the statement like they were thinkin "fools... they believe in aliens... they are so stupid." Meanwhile (to paraphrase George Carlin) they were off on Sunday to go pray to an invisible man who lives in the sky and spoke the entire universe into existence and while keeping track of that knows everything you do every second of the day. Then again... what the hell do I know.

Posted 3:28 PM by ill
The Mysterious "Gay" Middle Urinal

I think I have stumbled upon a bit of unspoken male rule that at first, I had never placed much thought in... Then again maybe I didn't need to but my brain works in weird ways. There is a rule that when three urinals, that are not divided by those little bolt on privacy walls, the middle one is the "gay" urinal. Maybe I should back up here. For the benefit of my female readers, those that have never been in a men's room, (like any woman that reads this junk has never been in a men's rest room... but anyway) there are generally three urinals lined up against a wall and usually one or two toilets. If a man walks into a rest room and finds it empty, it is his duty to go the one farthest from the door. Now should a man come in while the first man is in the farthest back then it is his duty to use the one farthest from the first man and closest to the door. Now should these two men meet it is more then OK to glance nonchalantly to your neighbor and greet him with the male slight head jerk and the customary "'sup." This is just good male manners. Depending on whether or not you know the fellow determines if any more conversation will take place. Generally though even if you know them the conversation remains strongly grounded in maleness "So, did ya catch the game last night?" or "Man did you see the rack on that bartender." You know all the great things that let other males know that you are indeed male and have no interest in bringing up the fact that you both have your willy's naked and out to face the world with only a scant few feet between them. This is all well and good and as long as people follow these male rules everything goes off (no pun intended) without a hitch. Unless... a third man enters the bathroom. Now this man has two options before him. He can either use the "gay" urinal in the center to which the men on each side will immediately stop all conversation and, if they can make eye contact without arousing the suspicion of the third man, will signal each other with facial expressions that say "What's with this guy? He broke the rules! Fag!" This creates concern among the male race as where you were a safe distance from the second man this third man has invaded the sanctity of your restroom and just downright made everyone uncomfortable. So what is this third man to do? Why use one of the stalls in the back of course. This assures everyone at the urinal that he is no homosexual and has no desire to cop and cheap glances at anyone respective piece. Everyone is much happier this way. No one feels uncomfortable and the man in the stall can engage in the manly conversations that man one and man two are having. Everyone wins in this scenario...

Or maybe I just think too much.