Posted 1:13 PM by ill
Crap Magnets and Pop Psychology

My wife is having fits. Women do that every now and then. My wife is actually quite good at it. She gets this look on her face that let's you know just how irritated she is with you without ever having to actually communicate verbally her displeasure. It's beautiful in it’s passive aggressiveness. Generally though I will admit she has reason to be upset with me. I would imagine my inability to put anything back where I got it and blindly stepping over cat vomit puts me in the category of a tad difficult to live with. Now there weren't any cleanliness issues or animal excrement to clean up that I had over looked. No she was mad for another reason. People talk to me. Now why is this upsetting? Well... it's generally women. What can I say the fact that I have this magnetic personality and deductive reasoning skills makes me a prime target for "Help me figure my life out" conversations from sometimes, complete strangers. That and if you were to ask a few of my coworkers they would probably tell you it's "cause he's gay" that women can talk to me. No obviously if I am married I can't be gay but that's a topic for another time.

So wife is pissed because I get a phone call from friend who is in the midst of a "boyfriend crisis" that only I can solve. Thus begins the three-hour phone conversation and the counseling service. Have you ever noticed that if you hate talking on the phone it's the one thing you find yourself constantly doing? Anyway, so I'm going through my usual "Well, let's look at both sides" and "How do you feel about all of that?" claptrap. So... this miffs the missus as this has eaten into her quality time of sitting on the couch ignoring me while she plays Tetris on the Game Boy. The first conversation wraps up and without missing a beat my wife asks wile looking ever so slightly over the colored glow of the Game Boy. "And who was that?" I recount the tale and explain I'm not real sure why I was called but you know how people like to talk to me and get advice. She pauses for a moment and says, "You, are a crap magnet. You attract freaks and weirdoes the way shit attracts flies. You just need to tell these people to big fat get over it and quit fucking bothering you. Ohh look at that a million points a new record." My wife a compassionate woman indeed.