Posted 3:28 PM by ill
The Mysterious "Gay" Middle Urinal

I think I have stumbled upon a bit of unspoken male rule that at first, I had never placed much thought in... Then again maybe I didn't need to but my brain works in weird ways. There is a rule that when three urinals, that are not divided by those little bolt on privacy walls, the middle one is the "gay" urinal. Maybe I should back up here. For the benefit of my female readers, those that have never been in a men's room, (like any woman that reads this junk has never been in a men's rest room... but anyway) there are generally three urinals lined up against a wall and usually one or two toilets. If a man walks into a rest room and finds it empty, it is his duty to go the one farthest from the door. Now should a man come in while the first man is in the farthest back then it is his duty to use the one farthest from the first man and closest to the door. Now should these two men meet it is more then OK to glance nonchalantly to your neighbor and greet him with the male slight head jerk and the customary "'sup." This is just good male manners. Depending on whether or not you know the fellow determines if any more conversation will take place. Generally though even if you know them the conversation remains strongly grounded in maleness "So, did ya catch the game last night?" or "Man did you see the rack on that bartender." You know all the great things that let other males know that you are indeed male and have no interest in bringing up the fact that you both have your willy's naked and out to face the world with only a scant few feet between them. This is all well and good and as long as people follow these male rules everything goes off (no pun intended) without a hitch. Unless... a third man enters the bathroom. Now this man has two options before him. He can either use the "gay" urinal in the center to which the men on each side will immediately stop all conversation and, if they can make eye contact without arousing the suspicion of the third man, will signal each other with facial expressions that say "What's with this guy? He broke the rules! Fag!" This creates concern among the male race as where you were a safe distance from the second man this third man has invaded the sanctity of your restroom and just downright made everyone uncomfortable. So what is this third man to do? Why use one of the stalls in the back of course. This assures everyone at the urinal that he is no homosexual and has no desire to cop and cheap glances at anyone respective piece. Everyone is much happier this way. No one feels uncomfortable and the man in the stall can engage in the manly conversations that man one and man two are having. Everyone wins in this scenario...

Or maybe I just think too much.

Posted 8:45 AM by ill
Memories... of the way we were...

I’ve been feeling a bit nostalgic as of late. Going through my mind as I re-lived the glory days of high school. It occurred to me though, through these glossed over memories, that I hated high school. Why this sudden fascination with years I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to forget. I think it has to do with my musical selections. I bought a new car with one of those six disk CD changers in it… Woohoo welcome to the 20th century eh? (I figure by 2010 I’ll have a car with an MP3 player and THEN I’m stylin’ Yaahmean?) So I’ve been listening to some older CD’s I haven’t broken out in a long time among them The Cure’s Disintegration and various Bjork. I’m going to get a bit off track here for a moment. My wife feels I have an unhealthy (I call it attraction she calls it) infatuation with the Icelandic Goddess of all that is cute and perky in a squinty eyed Icelandic kind of way. Where I think my wife is missing the point is I’m not infatuated with her… I know that given a month some drugs and a nice dark closet I could make her love me. Really.

So, back to the real world for a moment, these songs brought back a lot of memories for me. Everything from school dances to Muzak versions playing through the local McDonalds PA system. All in all I think I found I made high school a lot more complicated then it needed to be. It couldn’t have been that hard could it? Maybe I should have just paid more attention or not argued with my teachers when they were wrong and just sat back and lived a nice quiet high school life of football games and blissful conformity…

Naaaaaaaaah!

I look back on it now and realize I enjoyed myself. I may not have thought so at the time but I enjoyed myself. I got to publish underground newspapers and write book reports on Tropic of Cancer (which got me a three day suspension). I was able to stand up on a desk point my finger and fire my meat gun (sorry Warren Ellis) at a corrupt and confused moronic society of sub par educators and SAY NO MORE!!!!

Then they kicked me out.