Posted 11:17 AM by ill
Creatures of habit

I went out Saturday to see UGLY play with a friends band Bullet Theory. The show was quite entertaining and even a few friends from work showed up. All in all I think everyone had a good time and both bands put on a “helluva” (gotta use rocker speak for that) show. There was a third band playing but I didn’t stick around. The alternating Red Bull and Heineken mix was beginning to wreak havoc on my insides so I decided it was best to vacate the premises. I know this should have been a nice time for me but I found myself leaving a tad drained and more then a little depressed. The evening started off innocently enough, I watched the ladies on the dance floor and lusted after them thinking (and sometimes vocalizing to my friends) this inherit need to get laid. As many of you may or may not know. I am married. I have been for over three years now. Somewhere in the first year we just stopped having sex. This has driven me pretty crazy over the last couple of years and in many ways has built up a vast amount of resentment on my part. To the point I can’t even discuss it with her anymore without snide comments or downright rudeness. I hate that. All I do is sabotage my chances by being an asshole. What is the point of all this you ask? Well I came to a realization Saturday night. I watched as people and their significant others danced and played with one another on the floor and it occurred to me, I don’t miss sex. I miss companionship. OK, OK, I miss sex but there is something else. That little something of just being with someone instead of just cohabitating, instead of just going through the motions. I’ve been going through the motions. I think honestly we both have. Somewhere along the way we went from young married couple to roommates and quite frankly I don’t know how to fix it. Or even if it can be fixed. What happens that wakes you up in the morning to look over at the person next to only to realize you have no clue who they are. Does the fault lie with you? The other person? A combination of those things? When did the excitement die and the mundane day to day operation of living kick in. When did we both stop caring. Not about the other but just in general. Is this what happens? Do all married couples make some kind of unconscious decision that small talk takes over where once passionate discussions of the future and plans lived? Where does the “feeling” go? It’s not that you no longer love one another. It just becomes a different “kind” of love. You no longer spend hours wrapped in each others bodies letting your soul run bare of all fears and wants and needs that only naked post coital openness can bring. You never felt stupid or unwanted or obsolete. You just felt. Felt like if that person next to you were to leave your whole world would collapse. It doesn’t feel that way anymore. The coldness kicks in and all you can think about is if that person leaves is who gets the house? How much money will I have to fork out? What was once a life or death situation now becomes something more in tune with cold thinking and economics. Have we just grown up? Have we matured to realize that the kind of passionate love we once enjoyed is only reserved for kids and movies? If so, I want to be a kid again. I may have spent the better part of my childhood heart broken but at least I knew I had one.