Posted 9:28 AM by ill
Screenplays, Gettin Old, and the Starter Marriage

So I have been very slack recently when it comes to updating. I assure all my loyal readers that there has been a very good reason for it. One that I feel both of you needs an explanation for.

I have been writing screenplays. Somewhat successfully too I might add. As a matter of fact the buzz (isn't that cool I actually can use me and "buzz" in the same sentence) is that I may end up being a strong force in the straight to video shoestring budget horror films... Hey whatever pays y'know? Anywho, the writing has gone well and we may actually see a few things with my name attached to it at your local video store. (I'm not going to say Blockbuster here because they are kind of sue-happy. I know they once sued me for a $3.49 late fee). So It looks like I'm well on my way to becoming ill "Mr. Hollywood" bill. My agent assures me that it is going to happen any time now. It's only a matter of weeks before I'm having sex with lots of strange women, some even at the same time. I find the whole idea very appealing. However, for some reason, my wife does not seem to share the joy in this. Go figure. But, if I am truly going to become "Mr. Hollywood" then my first wife will have to be divorced before I truly make it big. It's just what you do. You always have to upgrade from your starter wife. It's how Hollywood works. It's like when you buy your first home. Your starter home. Ordinarily it serves your purpose very well. It's quaint and comfortable and full of old familiar things that, sure sometimes you hate, but always miss when they aren't around. But as you slowly climb the social ranks of excess, you eventually have to trade up. You can't have dinner parties in a comfortable four-room bungalow. So you move on to something bigger and better. No longer can you stay in the quiet comfort of your tiny house. You have to move on to big open spaces and dramatic architecture. Sustenance doesn't matter it's all about the appearance. sooo... you upgrade. It works the same with spouses. Just ask J-Lo or Jim Carey. Sorry hon, nothing personal, it's just what you do.

I'm also officially old. How old I don't think we need to get into here just suffice it to say it's going to be a lot harder to justify "clubbing." Somehow I just don't think I can take myself seriously now at my age if I go out to all hours of the night clutching my pacifier and glow stick. Come to think of it I never really did that anyway so I guess it all works out. The only real downside of it is that when I used to look around my pub I would see all these old guys in there drinking with me.... Now it's like "Holy SHIT! I AM one of those old guys!!"

Oh well... At least I still have my hair... No wait.. Actually I don't. Well at least I'm not fat... oh wait I've gained 40lbs in the last year... Well I still have my health... Oh gotta run it's time for a smoke.